Unconventional Stress Busting Techniques

If one more person quotes the Webster’s dictionary meaning for anything to start their article/blog/hub, I’m going to tear my hair out.

Stress—no definition needed.

We’ve all experienced varying degrees of stress at different times. I remember the day I came out kicking and screaming from my maa’s womb. Boy was that stressful! Since then, the “S” word has been the cause of everything from my burning stomach to my grey hair.

I was in the middle of a demanding assignment and one fine morning, at the tender age of twenty-five, I found a big patch of stubborn grays sprouting out of my head. One white hair, they say, is your mother’s blessing. What do so many premature ones signify?

The doctor informed me that there was no hope. The melanin manufacturing cell factory in my head had collapsed, most likely due to a head-on collision with the stress monster. The damage was irreversible. Now, shelling out money for hair color at the salon has become a part of my highly stressful routine.

I’ve been possessed by the stress monster and have tried everything under my roof or outdoors to get rid of it. I swam, ate less, drank less, stared at plants (at the cost of looking loony), tried to breathe better, tried to sleep more and even chanted Om three times a day, but nothing worked.

At one point the stress even manifested itself as a physical, demonic monster, mocking me from the edge of my bed. It sat there laughing at me, telling me it was here to stay. But I’m not one to give up easily.

Don’t fret it and don’t sweat it. The stress monster is part of everyone’s life and it has a huge appetite. It will eat up everything from your wallet to your libido. So before you ball up into a hairless, sexless, unidentifiable specimen being whipped around by this beast, here are some ways to deal with the monster head on. They work cause I’ve tried them.

(Warning: Please consult your therapist before trying out any of the Ninja Stress Busting Techniques below)

Number one: Identify what’s causing the stress! Find out what’s fuelling the stress monster. Where is it deriving its energy from? Is it your boss? Your boyfriend? A facebook stalker? Get a pic of the nasty bugger and pin it up against an empty wall. Get a few pointed darts and go for it. Aim for the eye.

Better still, make a nice piñata, paste the stressor’s pic on it and smash it! You don’t need to be blind folded for this. If you live in Texas, you can ask your friendly neighborhood shooting range owner to stick your boss’s (or any stressor’s) face up on the target and then go crazy. The right combination of physical release and aggression works perfectly. Don’t hesitate, get creative!

Number two: Punch and nutrition! If you feel the stress levels soar, it means the monster’s parting under the light of a shiny disco ball. It’s time to prepare a little party of your own. Make a crazy concoction of the left over alcohol in the house. Make an evening out of it. I mean you can’t get stressed if you’re unconscious. In case you are a teetotaler, then have a binge fest. I’m sure you’ve been dying to get rid off all the fatty stuff sitting in your refrigerator. Now is a good time. When in doubt, “junk it” out! Binge till you drop.

Number three: Stop reading junk. Save money on self-help books. Stop now. There’s nothing a stress monster loves more than to see you acknowledge its presence. It gives it more gumption. There are no clues in those fat books that frankly could have been summarized in two pages. Yet the author chooses to ramble on and on. Stop the buying spree and you’ll have enough money to splurge on a new outfit or new shoes. Never, never, ever take a self-help seminar. That’s the stress monster’s jackpot. Just go out on the roof and scream your lungs out. Better still, gate crash the seminar and scream your lungs out there. Disturb the speaker feeding off those sorry individuals in need of help. Think about the millions he’s making and the money you are losing out on? That’ll make anyone scream.

Number four: Splurge! Whoever said balance was the key obviously hasn’t been to a discount sale and knows nothing about the miracle of shopping. Go on, get yourself a new scarf, new pants may be even a new dress. It’s hard to be mad at yourself when you look so darn good with your new attire on.

Number five: Light some scented candles, incenses, dim the lights, and put on some soothing music. Make sure no one disturbs you for the next twenty minutes. Then yank out your favorite sex toy and play away to a happy and stress free life. The big O is the best stress buster. But then again you already knew that. As you curl in ecstasy, your stress monster will implode and explode at the same time.

Number six: Sharing is caring! Introduce your monster to a friend. Call someone and share what you are feeling. The best way to feel better about yourself is to stress someone else out. Make sure you pick the right candidate to call. Maybe a friend who only calls you when in need and disappears ever time you are moving apartments. Now is the time to make them pay.

One way or another, each and every one of us is possessed by the stress monster. Trust even the most tranquil looking man sitting on the bus next to you has his monster grinning besides him. He may look like he’s imaging his roses blossom on his terrace garden but that may just be a mask, a cleaver facade. In fact, a masker is the worst kind of stressor. 

Let no one tell you that you can get rid of it with some crazy quick fix. Not even me. At best you can deal and combat it. It depends on how feeble or strong your monster is. The more you fuel it the more it controls your life.

If you have your own Ninja Stress Busting Techniques, please share it here with the rest of the world.